The Bird Theory

Let a bird fly away, if it really belongs to you, it will come back.

Thats an african proverb. It doesn't sound as impressive as it would if said in its vernacular language. The straight translation is that when you keep birds, dont chain them, let them fly free. Sooner or later they will find their way back home. If they don't come back, then it simply means that they do not really belong to you and there is no need to be sad about that. That is the literal meaning.

Applied to life, it means that if your partner wants to leave for whatever reason, then let them go. If it was trully meant to be, they will find their way back to you. If they dont, then they do not belong to you.

Funny, how when something does not apply to you, you dont really think about it. I have never thought in this manner before although if a girlfriend came to me and cried about a broken heart, I think I have used the saying and I cant count the number of times that I have heard it said to me. But it was just that, some African saying which had some kind of sense and could be used to comfort yourself and/or others when the going got tough.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I had a little birdy once. Long before I started going through the struggles that have been recorded on this blog. I was 21, he was 25. My first 'real' boyfriend. I put real in inverted comas coz I had a boyfriend before that. One I had had since I was sixteen and we had been planning to marry in future. We did everything together except have sex, times were much simpler then. But somehow as we grew up and I went on to university and he didn't, we grew apart until finally we went our separate ways. But not this new guy, he was older, working, more worldly than I ever dreamed of being and I was smitten. We were together until I was 24 and fresh out of college. I was already thinking marriage but it seems he had other things on his mind.

The 'other things' turned out to be a baby, no, not a baby but a little girl. One day, I called him and a woman answered and said she was his baby mama and they were about to get married! My heart was shuttered. I cried so much I thought that I would shrivel up and die. Turned out that they were not getting married as the woman made me believe. But he confirmed that he did indeed have a child. He swore that he had not cheated on me but the baby had been born during the course of our relationship. I didnt care that it was conceived and the relationship ended before he met me, she had been born whilst he was with me and for three long years, he had kept this secret from me. Why?

With all the righteousness of the wronged, I broke up with him and for the next five years did my best to avoid any contact with him whatsoever. I had gotten a job out of town and it was a relief that I was away as this meant that I didnt run into him as I did not want to see him. I got myself a hot new boyfriend who did not last nine months and we were through. And I realise that that has been some sort of a trend, I have had a few boyfriends since then, all of them short relationships. Somehow, a part of me had withdrawn, keeping these new men at bay lest they too hurt me. Could that be the reason, that the longest relationship that I have had since then was the one for nine months? Maybe, I am searching too deep for answers where there are none.

And then what should happen? My 'bird' comes chirping back. After five years, he comes back saying he loves and wants us to get married! Just like that. And what does he expect me to do, jump for joy and say yay, am here, take me!? My first instinct was to throw him out the door and forget about him. But instead what do I do? I listen when he talks, I just smile when he says he loves and misses me. I haven't taken him back but I haven't thrown him out either. And worse, I am thinking about his proposal as evidenced by this lenghthy blog!

And truth be told, I miss him. I dont know if its because I feel that there are no decent man any more as I have been involved with strange men since we split up or because I really do love him and believe in the bird theory. I ask myself, why has he come back to me after so long? Did he roam the world and realised that I was the One? Or does he think that I am stupid and will take him back no matter what he does to me? Granted, he did try to be friends through it all. But I constantly pushed away the hand of friendship that he offered me through the years. And now here he is! Has my bird come back to me? What do I stand to gain or lose should I take him back?

On the good part, this is someone that I desperately loved and to be honest, he still has a soft spot in my heart and probably always will. It will be so much easier to pick up where we left off. As long as we talk it out and set up some kind of ground rules to never have such big secrets again. I have no problem with him having a child. What i do have a problem with is him not having told me about it. And I definitly have a problem with his baby mama who is still bitter that she got a raw deal when she fell pregnant and the man was not willing to marry her. And can I really blame her for feeling the way she does? And frankly, like it or not, man woman relations are always a struggle for power, he came back to me and that gives me the upper hand in all this.... the inner devil in me likes that.

On the other hand, there is a part of me that will always wonder if he did not cheat on me. He swears that he did not. That he wanted to tell me but was scared of losing me and with time, it became more and more difficult to tell me until finally the decision was taken out of his hands when he had had to take the baby to the hospital and the woman seized his phone and answered when I called. Oh, this is so difficult for me. I love him but there is a part of me that feels that I am a fool for believing him.

We have grown up, the both of us. He is now 33 while i am a woman of 29 who has seen her fair share of the world. Three years ago, I didn't even want to be his friend on facebook. When he forwarded me a funny email, I told him to stop. Thats how mad I was. Has age mellowed me? Has age shown him that if you love someone then you should try to work it out?

What to do?

Did my bird come back to me?

Or am i just a sucker for love?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with love at all. Maybe after what I have seen and been through in the past 5 years since I left school, could it be that I would rather be with the devil that I know than one i dont know....?

Women, Men, Money

I suppose the belief that women prefer men with money has its genuine roots but really, I wish men would stop painting all us women with the same dirty paintbrush. Honestly, it really annoys me when a man thinks that he can impress or buy me with money.

Sure money is good. It makes life easier and I would be a fool to turn down a man only on the basis that he has money. But I want something extra. You have to impress me with your brains, your dreams, the way you look at me like I am the most beautiful woman that you have ever seen. I want to miss someone's smile and not his credit card.

In my opinion, its not women but our male colleagues who have complicated brains. They think (or have been led to believe that) to impress a woman you need a big car, a big house, a big bank account, a big penis (i dont think women mind this particular one!) and all that. They have such pride that losing a job can literally kill them. So if a woman comes to be with you because of your money and possessions and then you lose it all, what then? if that was the foundation for the relationship, what happens when its all gone? And dont blame the woman if she leaves coz, you yourself set that benchmark to say she should be with you because you are well endowed moneywise. 

Thats why I firmly believe you need something extra that will sustain you through the hard times and beyond. Let me speak for myself, that is what i want in my life, that extra something.

I recently met a man who is trying to impress me by buying me expensive gifts, offering to pay my bills, buying me airtime and offering to send me money. All this before we have even had a proper conversation. All I know about the guy is where he works and his name, thats all. Maybe some people would be impressed by this but to me this is a red flag. It makes me wonder what he is trying to compensate for and what it is exactly that he has seen in me to assume that I will be glad to receive gifts from a virtual stranger.

What do women want? Thats the question that has baffled men all this time. Well its simple really. I for one want a friend above all else. I want a man who is intelligent, has big dreams like I do, a man with a life and wont demand 100% of my time, just a normal regular guy. If he can afford to spoil me, well and good, but that should not be the basis for the relationship. I dont want someone to treat me like a trophy or some kind of prize that needs constant polishing. Some women might appreciate that but I find it insulting.

So to my admirer, a bit of advice for next time you meet a lady that you like. I actually thought that you were cute when I first saw you. If you had just approached me like a normal human being and given me the chance to know you, I probably would have liked you. But this trying to buy me, makes me think very badly of you. If you want to buy me something, buy me flowers, buy me dinner (dont give me money to buy dinner!), dont buy me big things before I even know your name!