Valuable lessons about life

Last year, I had one thing on my mind, get married!

My writings were full of the many men that I met in my pursuit of marriage before I hit the ripe old age of 30! It was such that any man would do regardless of whether we had anything in common or not. What I wanted was a husband! I got the boyfriend that I wanted, showed him off to my friends and relatives and pretty much anyone who had eyes or ears! We had a wonderful one month together and a hellish second month and before I knew it, we had broken up and I was pregnant! 

Amid my heartbreak, I had to take a look at myself and ask what had happened to me. What happened to that beautiful, confident and successful woman? How did I move from being independent to putting so much pressure on a young relationship that it basically fell apart under all the pressure? Why was I letting people's expectations that I should be married by now define who I was? Had I not been happy with my life before I ventured on my quest for a husband? All I had managed to do was to complicate my life more than I had ever thought possible.

Anyway, those were my confused thoughts as the war of pregnancy ravaged my body. I moved from being able to eat anything to being nauseated at almost everything. I was always tired and slept the minute I laid my head down and all the smells out there just made me want to puke. And all the stress of course did not help.

Why, I asked myself, does everything happen to me!

I dont believe in abortion. Even as I sat home alone wondering what to do with my life, abortion was never an option. It wasn't that I didn't want the baby, it's that I had thought that by the time I had one, I would be settled in my own home as a Mrs Somebody. I hated myself for having given in to societal and family pressures to be married. I got tired of all the advise of how my 'time' would soon run out and how difficult it would be to get pregnant after 30. I hated the 'are you married yet?' question that I got several times a day sometimes from the same person that I began to wonder that maybe there was something wrong with me. I completely lost perspective of everything. I forgot how happy I was as a single entity. I forgot all my achievements and instead let the fact that I did not have a husband define who I was and sadly allowed it to define my happiness. I forgot that at 29, I was not an old maid and could still meet someone and settle down and even if that didn't happen, so what?

So you can imagine the kind of pressure that I had put on my new relationship. I had been determined that my next relationship would lead to marriage and that was just too much pressure for a new relationship to survive. I pushed myself to be perfect and expected the impossible from him. Before long, as I should have known, my relationship crashed and burned! Sigh. Leaving me alone as I had been before my ridiculous venture but with an addition.... a baby!

When one day I woke bleeding and fearing that I might miscarry, all my worries flew out the window. As I sat during my scan looking at my baby's strong heartbeat, I realised that I had never wanted anything as badly as I wanted that little baby on the screen. At that point, I realised that all the anger, hatred and bitterness that I felt towards my baby's father were unnecessary. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that people would talk about me being an unwed mother (lets face it, they will always talk anyway). I didn't care that I was not married. All I cared about was that my baby was fine and as I sat there all the pain that I had harboured for the past month went away.

Am I scared that I am about to take this important step all by myself? Yes I am. Do I wish that the father had reacted differently and we had married and raised this little one together? Of course I do!  But that's not what happened and I am finally ok with that. Sure I still want that special someone to sweep me off my feet but that will come in its own time. What I did in trying to push things was just mess up my life. But I am ok now and have learnt a valuable lesson. But most importantly, I have been blessed with a baby and I can't wait to hold him/her in my arms.

Single or not, I am going to the best mommy in the world.

The Bird Theory

Let a bird fly away, if it really belongs to you, it will come back.

Thats an african proverb. It doesn't sound as impressive as it would if said in its vernacular language. The straight translation is that when you keep birds, dont chain them, let them fly free. Sooner or later they will find their way back home. If they don't come back, then it simply means that they do not really belong to you and there is no need to be sad about that. That is the literal meaning.

Applied to life, it means that if your partner wants to leave for whatever reason, then let them go. If it was trully meant to be, they will find their way back to you. If they dont, then they do not belong to you.

Funny, how when something does not apply to you, you dont really think about it. I have never thought in this manner before although if a girlfriend came to me and cried about a broken heart, I think I have used the saying and I cant count the number of times that I have heard it said to me. But it was just that, some African saying which had some kind of sense and could be used to comfort yourself and/or others when the going got tough.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I had a little birdy once. Long before I started going through the struggles that have been recorded on this blog. I was 21, he was 25. My first 'real' boyfriend. I put real in inverted comas coz I had a boyfriend before that. One I had had since I was sixteen and we had been planning to marry in future. We did everything together except have sex, times were much simpler then. But somehow as we grew up and I went on to university and he didn't, we grew apart until finally we went our separate ways. But not this new guy, he was older, working, more worldly than I ever dreamed of being and I was smitten. We were together until I was 24 and fresh out of college. I was already thinking marriage but it seems he had other things on his mind.

The 'other things' turned out to be a baby, no, not a baby but a little girl. One day, I called him and a woman answered and said she was his baby mama and they were about to get married! My heart was shuttered. I cried so much I thought that I would shrivel up and die. Turned out that they were not getting married as the woman made me believe. But he confirmed that he did indeed have a child. He swore that he had not cheated on me but the baby had been born during the course of our relationship. I didnt care that it was conceived and the relationship ended before he met me, she had been born whilst he was with me and for three long years, he had kept this secret from me. Why?

With all the righteousness of the wronged, I broke up with him and for the next five years did my best to avoid any contact with him whatsoever. I had gotten a job out of town and it was a relief that I was away as this meant that I didnt run into him as I did not want to see him. I got myself a hot new boyfriend who did not last nine months and we were through. And I realise that that has been some sort of a trend, I have had a few boyfriends since then, all of them short relationships. Somehow, a part of me had withdrawn, keeping these new men at bay lest they too hurt me. Could that be the reason, that the longest relationship that I have had since then was the one for nine months? Maybe, I am searching too deep for answers where there are none.

And then what should happen? My 'bird' comes chirping back. After five years, he comes back saying he loves and wants us to get married! Just like that. And what does he expect me to do, jump for joy and say yay, am here, take me!? My first instinct was to throw him out the door and forget about him. But instead what do I do? I listen when he talks, I just smile when he says he loves and misses me. I haven't taken him back but I haven't thrown him out either. And worse, I am thinking about his proposal as evidenced by this lenghthy blog!

And truth be told, I miss him. I dont know if its because I feel that there are no decent man any more as I have been involved with strange men since we split up or because I really do love him and believe in the bird theory. I ask myself, why has he come back to me after so long? Did he roam the world and realised that I was the One? Or does he think that I am stupid and will take him back no matter what he does to me? Granted, he did try to be friends through it all. But I constantly pushed away the hand of friendship that he offered me through the years. And now here he is! Has my bird come back to me? What do I stand to gain or lose should I take him back?

On the good part, this is someone that I desperately loved and to be honest, he still has a soft spot in my heart and probably always will. It will be so much easier to pick up where we left off. As long as we talk it out and set up some kind of ground rules to never have such big secrets again. I have no problem with him having a child. What i do have a problem with is him not having told me about it. And I definitly have a problem with his baby mama who is still bitter that she got a raw deal when she fell pregnant and the man was not willing to marry her. And can I really blame her for feeling the way she does? And frankly, like it or not, man woman relations are always a struggle for power, he came back to me and that gives me the upper hand in all this.... the inner devil in me likes that.

On the other hand, there is a part of me that will always wonder if he did not cheat on me. He swears that he did not. That he wanted to tell me but was scared of losing me and with time, it became more and more difficult to tell me until finally the decision was taken out of his hands when he had had to take the baby to the hospital and the woman seized his phone and answered when I called. Oh, this is so difficult for me. I love him but there is a part of me that feels that I am a fool for believing him.

We have grown up, the both of us. He is now 33 while i am a woman of 29 who has seen her fair share of the world. Three years ago, I didn't even want to be his friend on facebook. When he forwarded me a funny email, I told him to stop. Thats how mad I was. Has age mellowed me? Has age shown him that if you love someone then you should try to work it out?

What to do?

Did my bird come back to me?

Or am i just a sucker for love?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with love at all. Maybe after what I have seen and been through in the past 5 years since I left school, could it be that I would rather be with the devil that I know than one i dont know....?

Women, Men, Money

I suppose the belief that women prefer men with money has its genuine roots but really, I wish men would stop painting all us women with the same dirty paintbrush. Honestly, it really annoys me when a man thinks that he can impress or buy me with money.

Sure money is good. It makes life easier and I would be a fool to turn down a man only on the basis that he has money. But I want something extra. You have to impress me with your brains, your dreams, the way you look at me like I am the most beautiful woman that you have ever seen. I want to miss someone's smile and not his credit card.

In my opinion, its not women but our male colleagues who have complicated brains. They think (or have been led to believe that) to impress a woman you need a big car, a big house, a big bank account, a big penis (i dont think women mind this particular one!) and all that. They have such pride that losing a job can literally kill them. So if a woman comes to be with you because of your money and possessions and then you lose it all, what then? if that was the foundation for the relationship, what happens when its all gone? And dont blame the woman if she leaves coz, you yourself set that benchmark to say she should be with you because you are well endowed moneywise. 

Thats why I firmly believe you need something extra that will sustain you through the hard times and beyond. Let me speak for myself, that is what i want in my life, that extra something.

I recently met a man who is trying to impress me by buying me expensive gifts, offering to pay my bills, buying me airtime and offering to send me money. All this before we have even had a proper conversation. All I know about the guy is where he works and his name, thats all. Maybe some people would be impressed by this but to me this is a red flag. It makes me wonder what he is trying to compensate for and what it is exactly that he has seen in me to assume that I will be glad to receive gifts from a virtual stranger.

What do women want? Thats the question that has baffled men all this time. Well its simple really. I for one want a friend above all else. I want a man who is intelligent, has big dreams like I do, a man with a life and wont demand 100% of my time, just a normal regular guy. If he can afford to spoil me, well and good, but that should not be the basis for the relationship. I dont want someone to treat me like a trophy or some kind of prize that needs constant polishing. Some women might appreciate that but I find it insulting.

So to my admirer, a bit of advice for next time you meet a lady that you like. I actually thought that you were cute when I first saw you. If you had just approached me like a normal human being and given me the chance to know you, I probably would have liked you. But this trying to buy me, makes me think very badly of you. If you want to buy me something, buy me flowers, buy me dinner (dont give me money to buy dinner!), dont buy me big things before I even know your name!

Time to wake up and smell the coffee?

There comes a time in every woman's life (and I am sure some men too) that you realise that you are not as young as you used to be. Or is that just me? Well, I hope there are a lot of people in my shoes or else I am just one sad person. You realise that once all that mattered to you was having fun, having the latest shoes or bags or cars and the sight of babies was not something that you found particularly sweet but you felt sorry for the hustled mother with no time for herself.

But once you are past a certain age with the man who you thought  would come and take your breath away and you both live happily ever after with is nowhere in sight, you have to think about these things. Like it or not, there is some sadness behind every congratulations that you give when yet another one of your friends gets married or has a baby. There is the question at the back of your mind wondering whether it will ever happen for you. Its just the way it is.

And the worst thing is that after sometime, you realise that the attention that you used to get from the opposite sex is slowly reducing. It may still be there except that you get hit on more by married men than single men. Why? Because a lot of the men in your pond are married, leaving only a few good ones, a lot of weirdos and those who think that just because you have reached a certain age, you must be desperate and will settle for just anyone or anything.

Yeah, they say money isnt everything, that looks are fickle and that the love of a good hard working man is all that a woman needs. Butterflies in the stomach and being insanely in love with someone are for teenagers right? Problem is I want all that. I am going to spend the rest of my life with this person, it better be with someone I am crazy about not someone I will get tired of after a week! Is that asking for too much?

This growing up business is hard!!!! I look back now and wonder why I was in such a hurry to get here.

Last time I wrote about the four guys who had showed interest in me, the ready for marriage guy who was too short, the good friend who has no steady employment, the employed guy who is not that much to look and Mr. Perfect who is still married to another woman!

I know I am still young but there are things that I want to do and kids are a definite must have in my life. Should I then just choose one of the guys above and be done with it? Should I settle down now while I still have choices and not wait for a better man who may or may not come along? Is being married so important that I can just be with anyone and hope that the love will grow? Suppose I choose one of the guys now and then someone better comes along once I am married? suppose i say, hey am only 28, there is still time, someone will surely come along and then they dont? Should I ignore the fact that someone is a whole foot shorter than me just because he has a good job and is seemingly a good guy ready to commit? Should I hope that my good friend with the crazy dreams will one day find work or his dreams come true? Should I be with someone I am not even slightly attracted to? Should I be with the perfect man and hope against hope that he really will divorce his wife and be with me? What kind of choices are these?

But sooner or later, a girl has to decide. If I didnt care I wouldnt bother but I do care. I have everything else in my life, and now I want this as well. I guess the message I am getting from today's musings is that I cant keep being undecided forever. I doubt that there will come come a man who meets all the qualities that I want (I hope he does but am trying to be realistic here). I need to make up my mind and soon and whatever decision I make, I will have to stick with it and make the best of it.

why is it so hard to find a husband these days?

Certain things should be straight forward and come naturally. Like the way it was with my parents and their parents. You reach a certain age, a certain special somebody comes along and you get married and may or may not live happily ever after. But you do get married.

Certain decisons should also be that easy. It should be as easy as choosing between heaven and hell, good and bad, pain or joy, bitter or sweet. but heck no, not for me anyway. It seems I have what other people struggle to get and what they take for granted is what i have to struggle for.

My life should be turned into a soap opera, for real. I have had sadness, drama, scandal and all that but overall, I like to think that I am a well rounded individual. I am the kind of person who puts up a smile even when my heart is breaking inside me. The kind of person who people will look at and wish that they had my life. I am Carrie from sex and the city but I believe I have a more level head on my shoulders. People ask me why I am not married. Well I would like to know that too! They look at me and think there must be something wrong with me for me to be still single. Honestly, I wish they would just mind their own business.

Sometimes i do wonder if i dont have a problem. Everyone around me is getting married. By the time mum was my age, she was divorced and had two kids. Yet here i am, 28years old, good job but no family or husband. All i have is a broken engangement and a series of broken hearts after that. Last time I wrote about how i couldnt understand why my boyfriend was acting the way he was. Well, after promising me heaven and earth, it turned out that he was promising the same thing to at least six other girls. He simply disappeared just before i found out. Probably knowing that i was about to find out. After two years together, the man did not even have the decency to break up with me, he simply slinkered away like the coward that he was. I would like to say that he will get what is coming to him but i have since realised that we are in a world where there is no such thing as justice. Bad guys win most of the time and bad things happen to good people, a lot. Its just the way life is and i have come to accept that.

A couple of months have passed and though my ego was bruised a little, i am over him and ready to move on. but, i dont want just any other relationship. I want someone who is in the same place that i am. Someone who wants to settle down and start a family. I am done with dating boys, i want a man, a serious man. And there happens to be four men vying for my attention right now.

Guy number one.
Good on paper. Very good on paper. He worships the very ground that i walk on. He has a good job, nice car, big house and he is looking for a wife. Says the only thing that is missing from his life is a wife. I should be happy seeing that i want a husband. And so what if i didnt fall in love with him the moment that i saw him? He is a good guy and sometimes thats all a woman needs, a good man who loves you and provides for you. But the guy is awfully short. He is probably five feet tall while i am 5ft6" with a penchant for high heels. I know it shouldnt matter but it matters a lot to me!

Guy number two.
Mercifully not short. He is friend i have had for three or four years now. When we met i was engaged and he was living with his girlfriend but the girl left him after five years and a child together and he still wouldnt commit. He was there for me when my engangement didnt work out. But here is the catch, apart from the aversion to marriage that the guy clearly has, he does not have a steady job. He is now even saying he wants to be an intern with a company where he feels his skills will be 'better appreciated.' Now, i am not one of those women who wants money from men but a man has got to have a job!

Guy number three.
Not short and has a job. Not as good a job as guy number one but a job none the less. Problem is that the way he looks is a complete turn off to me. Looks like a drunkard and he says he enjoys his beer. Really am not in the least bit attracted to the guy. And looks shouldnt matter right? Really its not that i want only a handsome man (though i wouldnt mind one if he came along) but surely a man should be able to look after themselves, a fat stomach and sweaty armpits are just a turn off to any woman period.

Guy number four.
Perfection. Tall, accomplished and hot! We met a year ago and hit it off immediately. I was crazy about him until i met his wife! Turns out the man was merely separated from his wife and not divorced as he had told me. After telling him to go and put it where the light does not shine, he is now back. Says he is indeed getting a divorce this time around and he really wants to be with me. Really? Not until the ink is on the paper buddy. I wont make that mistake again.

All i want is a man who loves me and ready to settle down like guy number 1, who has a job like guys number 1, 3 and 4, someone i am attracted to and get along with like guy number 4 and who is not married. Is that too much to ask for! Whats a girl to do to get married these days? Could our problem also be that we have too many options?

Break ups

ok, I won't lie to you, I loved this guy. I may call him all sorts of names here but I really did (and do) love him. But a girl can only take so much and this is it I am out of here.

I have had some breakups before (who hasn't?) but this is a first for me. Reminds me of Carrie and her post it break up in sex and the city.

He simply stopped coming to see me and I got tired of calling him so I stopped. This after he made it clear that I was not merely a girlfriend but a wife. This after he introduced me to everybody in his life. This after I asked him point blank if his silence meant that he wanted to break up with me and he said no. This after I had stopped calling him and he shows up at my house with his brother and behaves like nothing is wrong. Please, if you dont mean something, dont say it at all.

I dont understand, you don't want to break up with me but at the same time, you dont want to be with me? Are you a child who after getting what he wants doesn't want it anymore? So I have taken a page out of his book, I am quite. I even deleted his phone number from my phone although I know it by heart but at least if I have to enter it from my head, by the time I get to the third digit, I would have come to my sense.

How do you deal with break ups? anybody.....?